One door closes, another opens?

It seems to have happened in such a short time, but my martial arts endeavours have come to a sudden halt. Just a few weeks ago I was struggling through my Black Belt Qualifier program with the end in sight and now it seems my time at Ultimate studying Bushidokan is at an end. How did this come about, what’s next and what have I learned?

My last post was at the end of week two. I was over the worst of the remnants of the OXFAM walk and getting into the routine of the qualifier and meeting the daily and weekly requirements. Weeks three and four had their ups and downs. There was the constant physical fatigue from three lots of running a week, daily pushups and situps, two advanced classes a week and three to four additional practice sessions. There was the emotional roller-coaster, from the endporphin-induced highs to the near-depression lows.

Training bounced from the high of a solid technical Kata class where you feel your making great strides forward, to the lows of sparring and sparring-drill classes where you come out feeling like your training sucks. By the end of week four I was starting to feel the impact at work, particularly with a string of sleepless nights. By the end of that week I was seriously considering quitting the program.

Week five began well, with my Monday morning run feeling great and my weight around the 82kg mark consistently. But then the virus that had been around the family for a while caught on. I took a few days off the program and had some long nights in bed. Between being run down and the effects of the virus, this hit me hard. I did enjoy my cycling at the end of the week, riding at a reasonable pace for 1 1/4 hours taking in the tracks above the Eastlink tunnels. I’d also managed to complete all of my weekly technical requirements. I thought things were looking up.

But it wasn’t to be; week six brought matters to a head. By midweek I hadn’t slept properly for three days; I was a zombie at work. My boss noticed my state on Tuesday afternoon and told me to go home and sleep. I was consumed by the qualifier and upcoming grading. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’d be sitting at work talking to someone but not hearing what they were saying as my mind was off elsewhere.

By Wednesday afternoon I’d decided this couldn’t continue for the six-odd weeks until the grading was over. I had to make a decision and that decision was to withdraw from the program. The discussion with Lisa was fairly emotional. I sent off the email to Shihan of my decision and explanation; I would withdraw from the program, take some time off and consider my options.

When I saw the doctor the next day he could see the state I was in. His comment was that we needed to put a stop to things and reset. He put me on sleeping pills to get my sleep sorted and told me to take a long weekend doing family things and not focus on work or training. The next few (drug-induced) sleeps were magnificent. I can’t recall the last time I slept so deeply for more than a single night. The weekend did precisely what the doc intended and I started to bounce back.

When making the decision to withdraw I was worried that I was letting a few people down; Jordan (my 7yo), my peers in the training program, and Shihan. When I told Lisa and the girls that I was giving up the program, Jordan’s comment was “no more Sempai Dad”. We’d joked in the past that if I got to Sempai she would call me Sempai Dad. She seemed to take it well, and is still training, which is great. I’d hate for her to give up training just because I didn’t do my black. But it seems she’s doing it because she genuinely enjoys it and wants to be there.

I visited the guys doing their Sat morning training and told them about the decision. They were supportive which was great. They were encouraging me to go in December or next June.

The most challenging conversation I had to have was with Shihan. I was comfortable in my position but knew he’d try to dissuade me or steer me in a different path. I also knew that I have a bad habit in face-to-face conversations, particularly with people I respect, of try to give people what they’re expecting rather than standing firm for fear of confrontation. When we finally met, the conversation proceeded down that path; rather than taking time off he’d rather I keep training. The risk, which I well knew, was that if I took a break I wouldn’t come back. Yes this was highly likely but didn’t want to shut the door just yet, especially given the psychological state I’d been in over the past few weeks.

This brought to a head my thoughts about my enjoyment of training. For some time, particularly the last 18 months, I’d been thinking about the training, where the style was heading and my enjoyment of it. I really enjoy the traditional Karate aspects, particularly Kata and the more technical things. Thinking over the last few weeks the highlights have been the kata class with Sempai Chris and getting my hook and spinning kicks working.

In my time at Bushidokan, the style has been a mixed martial art style, but over the years the traditional karate component has dwindled and the freestlyle aspect become more dominant with Brazilian JuiJitsu, boxing and now Muay Thai influences. I can see the value in it; it does make the style truly unique, more coherent in a mixed-martial arts approach taking the best of different fighting styles and merging them together. Some people love this, but at the end of the day it doesn’t do it for me. If you love 80% of what you’re doing, you can put up with not enjoying the 20%. If you’re struggling with 80% and only enjoying the 20%, it’s time to move on.

When Shihan and I discussed this, it became pretty obvious that there was no middle ground. To (mis)quote Mr Miyagi “Karate do, Karate don’t, no Karate guess so”. If I wasn’t committed to the style as a whole, there’s no value in me attempting my Black Belt now or in the future. I couldn’t argue with that. The decision had been made; the meeting started with a “martial arts” handshake and ended with a traditional handshake.

So what’s next? I love the fact that I’m down around 82kg and need to figure out how to keep the weight off. Perhaps a weekly lean’n'fit class could be the go. We’ve got the WiiFit now and Lisa’s loving it. It’s another option. More important is the interest in martial arts that’s been re-ignited over the last three and a half years. My brief stint in iaido was great until we lost our instructor and got into the trap of peer teaching. I did enjoy aikido in my uni days and had been thinking of revisiting it after my black belt. My brother had spent a lot of time studying it after his Shotokan days and has been getting back into it of late. This is an option I will pursue.

What have I learned from my experience with the qualifier program? I know the level of physical activity required to get my weight off. I know how I react when I’m physically exhausted and stressed out. I certainly value my family time a lot more; I had taken it for granted recently. The telling comment was from my doctor…”if your stress relief is stressing you out, there’s something wrong”. You need to keep balance in your life, and the longer it’s out of balance the worse things will get. For most people the impact of the 10-week qualifier is a lot more exercise and time away from the family and ordinary routine. For me it was much more and in the end forced me to evaluate all the things in my life and what they meant to me.